Happy Last Day of February 2017 guys!!!
I hope all is well.
Below please find this week’s storisode from my hit short story series – Lost in Found! I hope you love it. Unlike Beautiful Nonsense, I really am enjoying writing this and I am not stopping! (Even if my second sister is the only one reading this??).
3 weeks later
I should’ve died in that accident! That may sound harsh but is this living?!? I feel like a prisoner! It’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t left this house! 3 FULL WEEKS! The man I married has me taking classes. And don’t get me started on the man I married! He is the worst! And frankly I don’t know how I married him!!! He’s rude and superficial and condescending! He talks to James and Joy (the young girl that helps around the house) anyhow! He talks at me! ME?!! Nkemdilim Opu! And expects me to just accept what he says just because he said it!? HELL FUNKS NO!
Since I’ve met him every answer he has given to my questions about our “happily married life” is more ridiculous than the last!
When I asked him how we got married, he told me we eloped. I’ve always wanted to elope so I give him that. but when I asked to see photos, he said we didn’t take any. Now I know me! I LIVE to capture a Kodak moment. So I definitely would have insisted on at least ONE PHOTO to commemorate our day! Also he loves photos too! He takes photos of EVERYTHING! Like his food before eating! He’s shoes before he goes out and his watch! So even if I didn’t want a photo, I’m sure he would’ve wanted 100!
THEN I asked him what I did for a living. He said I took a sabbatical leave from work to – listen to this – stay home and play house. He said I picked out all of the furniture in this house and I was working on writing a book! Again, I don’t know who he married but I know me! I did not take a leave from work! All I do is work! So I know something is amiss there!
Then – and this is the kicker – apparently I am a Yes-Chick! When he told me this, I paused, threw my head back and LAUGHED SO HARD I CRIED! I had to crawl to the bathroom to pee! That’s when I asked him what the hell was going on?? Like seriously, did he pay for my student loans? Did I marry him to stay away from jail or if this was all a front? He got up, stormed out of the house and drove out!
I CANNOT STAY HERE!
I hit the stop button on the treadmill and hopped off! I’m going out! No where far! I just need to go to church! That’s exactly what I need! I’m going to confession! I need to blow off some steam and talk to someone besides that man!
I rushed to the bathroom for a quick shower and ran downstairs.
Joy: Ah madam, I dey come call you now now. Your pepper soup is ready.
Me: Joybaby! Do you know where Oga keeps the key to the other car.
Joy: Ma? But Oga say make you no go out at all at all
Me: He said I can today. I spoke to him. That’s why I’m asking for the key
Me: Its okay, it’s just to church. You can come with me. Five ten minutes tops and we’ll be right back. You fit direct me to Catholic Church abi?!
Joy: Yes ma.
Me: AMAZING! And you sabi where Oga dey put key abi?
Joy: Na for inside the drawer for that table under the mirror ma
Me: Holler! Oya get ready make we head out now now!
Joy: okay ma
Ugh. I hate that she and James call me “madam” or “ma” but that man insist on it. He almost killed the poor girl when he heard her she call me Kemz. Ugh!
That’s okay! I’m about to go out for some fresh air for the first time in forever! Nothing – not even thoughts of that huntsman – would ruin this for me!
I was driving home with Dubs in the car. I left the house after another intergation by Nkem. Honestly I needed backup and a break. Nkem is too smart for her own good. I’ve never had problems lying to women before. But for some reason, she doesn’t believe anything I say. And I come up with excellent responses if I do say so myself!
Me: I CANNOT STAND HER!!!!!!! She is the most stubborn, defiant, and annoying person I have ever met! She is not taking her lessons seriously! She has ten questions for every answer I give her and you should see the look on her face whenever I say anything about our marriage! I WILL KILL HER!
Dubem: *Laughing uncontrollably* You do know your marriage is fake right?
Me: I do. But she doesn’t! That’s what bothers me! WHO-WOULD-NOT-WANT-TO-BE-MARRIED-TO-ME?!
Dubem: Nkem, obviously!
Me: Guy I’m trying! I have all of the physiological data I need for my research. I just need her to show progress on the psychological piece and I’m home free!
Dubem: You just need to be patient. Nkem really is a sweet girl-
Dubem: She is! She’s just confused. Can you imagine waking up from a bad accident to learn a huge chunk of your life missing and you’re married to some random bloke? You have to do something nice for her! Let her leave the house!!
Me: And risk her being spotted by someone or running away? No.
Dubem: You mean like right now?
Dubem: Guy, isn’t that Nkem being harrassed by the police on the other side of the roundabout?
I turned to find my wife getting yelled at my two police men. The worst part was my little nutcracker was on the verge of tears.
I SAW RED!!!!
Thank you so much for reading and a Happy March 2017 to you all!
The Wawa-New Yorker